I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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