Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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