I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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