i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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