shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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