this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
did i just pee glitter
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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