I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
