ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
