Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
