Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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