Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize