I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
