The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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