Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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