He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
