No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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