I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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