hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
