i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We need a shit load of segways right now
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
