so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
