So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
