he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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