Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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