one word: firstdatebathroomanal
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
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