Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
