Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
