Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
