mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
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