You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?"Ā¯ and "Why tacos?"
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
