im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
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