Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
