Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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