just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
soo... how was my night?
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