I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
