That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
