I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I supernannyed him into submission
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize