Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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