that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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