Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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