paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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