my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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