How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
