So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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