i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize