quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
