i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
