Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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