Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
