Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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