Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Dicks are not precious.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize