when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
