I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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