i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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