There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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